Friday, June 24, 2022. 28 weeks 3 days.
I had been feeling Luca moving less. I still felt him, which calmed me, but his movements were softer. A week before he created a schedule; mornings while mama gets ready, it’s party time! Nighttime, while mama rests, it’s party time!
I started feeling a sore throat coming. Must be the change in weather. I didn’t think much of it. I proceeded with my night like usual. Relaxing, in bed, after a long work day. I took out my favorite book to read to him; “Love you forever”.
I love this book. It made me picture my life with my Luca. From his mischievous adventures to his hard, teenage years. My most favorite part is the most famous, the promise from mama to her baby;
“I’ll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”.
Gosh, those words hold such a different meaning now…I gotta say those words without him with me…feeling his kicks…
Saturday, June 25, 2022. 28 weeks 4 days.
Woke up with the same soar throat, but just felt more uncomfortable. I decided to get moving and clean around our room and outside. As the day went by, I felt my body heavier. I started to feel sick, like, actually sick. Once we finished cleaning a good amount, I went inside and layer down. Towards the night I really felt hot, so I decided to take my temperature. I had a fever.
Naturally, I got nervous. I decided to take a COVID test; positive.
I decided to take it easy, to take some natural remedies to keep the fever down and relieve my sore throat. I read about other mamas who had gotten the virus and were fine.
His movements were the same as the day before. No improvement. But I decided to tackle the sickness first.
I was only told by my OB to count the kicks starting at week 28 of gestation. No mention of how I should proceed with the data I acquire. I thought, in my mind, “well, he’s still moving, so that means he’s okay.”
Sunday, June 26, 2022. 28 weeks 5 days.
My fever broke! I was making improvements and feeling so much better. But that sore throat was still there. His movement was almost nonexistent. The last time I felt him move was this morning…-how many times did he move? Was it stronger or weaker?
I did everything you hear about to get him to move - drank cold orange juice, did a couple soft jumping jacks, read to him, poked him, like I’d done before….I felt the slightest movement - all I could tell myself to calm down was that, he was like this because I was sick. - Is that a thing? - I didn’t question it because I was afraid; I was so afraid that there was something wrong.
Monday, June 27, 2022. 28 weeks 5 days.
I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. It was 10 a.m. and there was no morning party from my favorite little man. There was nothing. Hubby had gone to work so I was alone to figure these feelings out. - I should’ve reached out to someone, anyone - I talked to my Luca and let him know that mama needed to feel him. It was important.
I picked up my Doppler and began looking for his heartbeat. I hadn’t used that thing since I started to feel him move.
His heartbeat was still strong.
3:30 p.m.
That didn’t ease my mind. Knew something was wrong. I had this heavy gut feeling. I showered. I got a little backpack ready with chargers and my medical cards. I waited for hubby to get home. We went straight to L&D (Labor & Delivery).
I told them I hadn’t felt my baby move since yesterday (Sunday) and that something didn’t feel right.
They connected me right away. All the sound in the room was his heartbeat. - God I miss hearing his heartbeat. It’s the most beautiful sound in this entire world - Nurse asked me if I could feel him then, I said “No..” she said, “hm, he’s moving right now.” - It wasn’t an ultrasound machine, it was just the monitor that tracks the baby’s heartbeat and movements - She mentioned that he was stable and that she would come back to check on us in a couple minutes.
Hubby looked at the monitor and said “his heartbeat is showing 125 bpm” - that’s odd…his heartbeat has been stable at 144 after my 20 week anatomy scan…even this past Wednesday (June 22 the only appointment with my OB - the rest are with a nurse midwife, but that’s a topic for another day) my OB said his heart rate was 144bpm… - I told my hubby. It was denial. I didn’t wanna question anything because, maybe then, it meant nothing was wrong.
Why didn’t I ask? Why didn’t I tell the nurse that heart rate was not normal and it was terribly low for my son? Why did I let her tell me he was still within “normal range” when I know what “normal” is for MY son?
God, that moment is what gets me into a guilt spiral sometimes…
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN! I SHOULD’VE SAID SOMETHING! I SHOULD’VE CORRECTED HER! I SHOULD’VE ADVOCATED FOR MY SON!
That’s my guilt. I fear I will live with that guilt and relive that moment for the rest of my days.
Every time I mention this guilt to my loved ones, they try to tell me that I “shouldn’t feel that way!” I wish I could just stop the guilt. The guilt exists because I’m Luca’s mama. I am supposed to protect him, be his voice…and I truly feel I could’ve done more.
The truth is, I could’ve said something…BUT FEAR IS PARALYZING. I was so afraid. I wanted it to be a horrible nightmare…
5:50 p.m.
The available OB came in. She said that they had a lot of C-sections that night and that, because I wasn’t “high risk” (f*cken hate that “rule”) and because my son was stable and within “normal range” (I f*cken despise that term) that they will perform an ultrasound first thing in the morning. That I could go home, but she would feel more comfortable if I stayed to be monitored. She said “worst case scenario” she would perform an emergency C-section to get him here safely. I wasn’t demonstrating any concerning symptoms. (Except I’m not feeling my child! But, ok.)
I trusted what she told me. I wanted to believe her. She was the sweetest and so professional.
My issue has never been with the doctors who were part of my medical team…
My problem is with the outdated medical protocols that have not been updated, and therefore, doctors are doing what they’re taught.
My son could’ve been saved.
7 p.m.
I chose to stay overnight to continue to be monitored.
I was then moved to a maternity room.
My nurse, Vita, was the angel God knew I needed. She was so attentive and sweet and funny. She gave me a turkey sandwich because I hadn’t eaten all day. I was hooked up to the same monitor to follow Luca’s heartbeat.
After eating and watching some t.v. I layer down and kept dosing off, in and out, with the most beautiful lullaby that ever was; his heartbeat.
Tuesday, June 28, 2022. 28 weeks 6 days.
12:40 a.m.
I woke up, suddenly, and saw the monitor reading 119bpm. - what? Isn’t that low? Should I call my nurse? - what felt like seconds later, multiple nurses come rushing in.
1:10 a.m.
They strip me and put a cold ultrasound gel on my belly. They put an oxygen mask on me and tell me to take deep breathes. The nurse had me turning left, then right, then left again. “Deep breathes mama!” “Where did he go” - doctor comes rushing in - “he’s down there doctor”.
Nurse disconnects me, they look at my husband and me and say “we’re rushing you to the OR” - hubby and and I locked eyes and we both had fear in our eyes. “94 bpm doc”. My nurse, Vita holds my hand before I’m rush out.
I’m rushed into the OR. Such a cold, bright room. The fear took over. My body was shaking uncontrollably. Vita holds my hand one last time. I felt so cold. Doctor used the ultrasound machine one last time to see where Luca was. “44 bpm” - No, Lord. Please. Hold us close, Lord. Hold us close. - I said before the anesthesiologist told me to take deep breathes and that he was gonna count down. “You’re gonna be okay”, he reassured me.
3:40 a.m.
It felt like a blink of an eye. Like, when you doze off in a class or while watching a boring movie.
I opened my eyes and the first thing I thought was ‘my baby’. I was so drowsy. I found a way to properly say it “my baby, where’s my baby”.
Silence.
I looked to my right, there was my dear husband….holding our baby boy.
My mind couldn’t process it. - but, shouldn’t he be in the NICU????
Then, my brain connected the dots.
Hazael looked me in the eyes, with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen on him, like when his mom passed away.
“NO…God, no.”
My baby, my first-born, the light of my life, my son, mi niño hermoso….
Silence.
Except my wailing, deep sorrow screams.
How can this be real?!?!! No, Lord. No!
My perfect baby boy was born silent. He fought til the very end.
Life’s not fair. He deserved to live. He deserved to be with his mama and papa.
It’s so painful to relive this, the worst moment of my life, and type it out. But I know I have to share my story, HIS story.
This tragedy has taught me how broken our medical system is. It’s full of incredible doctors and nurses, who have to follow protocols that don’t make any sense and don’t validate mother’s concerns and gut feelings.
Your story will live on, mi niño..until we meet again.
“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be”
💚
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