It’s Anita’s Life

  I had plans, so many plans for this Christmas… It was going to be my Luca’s first Christmas and I couldn’t wait to start our own family traditions! Christmas Pictures, matching PJs, Christmas movies…true Joy of Christmas. How could this be? How could this be our reality? We will start those traditions, but they will look different than I imagined them. He won’t be here with us. There’s gonna be an empty space in our family for the rest of our lives. There won’t be any baby sounds, babbling, cooing, screams. There won’t be baby pictures galore. There won’t be joy, true joy. There won’t be smiles or happiness. I have never felt this empty, this dark… We are going to be parents for the first time with empty hands. This is what nightmares are made of, the worst type, where you can’t wake up. No matter how much you try to wake up, you jump, you pinch yourself, you scream…you can’t wake up. How can I possibly find the Joy of the Lord through this? I know, I know. He’s near the broken-h...

Friday, June 24, 2022. 28 weeks 3 days. I had been feeling Luca moving less. I still felt him, which calmed me, but his movements were softer. A week before he created a schedule; mornings while mama gets ready, it’s party time! Nighttime, while mama rests, it’s party time! I started feeling a sore throat coming. Must be the change in weather. I didn’t think much of it. I proceeded with my night like usual. Relaxing, in bed, after a long work day. I took out my favorite book to read to him; “Love you forever”.  I love this book. It made me picture my life with my Luca. From his mischievous adventures to his hard, teenage years. My most favorite part is the most famous, the promise from mama to her baby;  “I’ll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”. Gosh, those words hold such a different meaning now…I gotta say those words without him with me…feeling his kicks… Saturday, June 25, 2022. 28 weeks 4 days. Woke up with the same soar t...