I had plans, so many plans for this Christmas…
It was going to be my Luca’s first Christmas and I couldn’t wait to start our own family traditions!
Christmas Pictures, matching PJs, Christmas movies…true Joy of Christmas.
How could this be? How could this be our reality?
We will start those traditions, but they will look different than I imagined them. He won’t be here with us. There’s gonna be an empty space in our family for the rest of our lives.
There won’t be any baby sounds, babbling, cooing, screams. There won’t be baby pictures galore. There won’t be joy, true joy. There won’t be smiles or happiness.
I have never felt this empty, this dark…
We are going to be parents for the first time with empty hands.
This is what nightmares are made of, the worst type, where you can’t wake up. No matter how much you try to wake up, you jump, you pinch yourself, you scream…you can’t wake up.
How can I possibly find the Joy of the Lord through this?
I know, I know. He’s near the broken-hearted…but this is beyond broken-hearted. I’m completely destroyed. And I refuse to believe God did this. I don’t accept it. I won’t accept it. I don’t believe there is this divine reason why my son had to die. I don’t believe there’s a “purpose” to my son not being here.
I hate hearing that and I feel this is the reason many people leave the faith. People try to use that as consolation, as if there was any in a loss of this magnitude…
We don’t know. That’s the truth. Sometimes we do know, if it was an accident, neglect, disease or a tangible or visual reason. But, I feel we should stop using “it’s God’s plan” in a way we think will bring relief to a grieving person. Because if that were the case, if God did this, why would I want to serve a God like that? I refuse to believe the God I serve, the all-mighty God, all-merciful God ordered the death of my son.
So, what I’m doing instead, is bringing as much awareness as I possibly can to the epidemic that is Stillbirth. Especially preventable stillbirth.
I won’t stop telling our story because I wish I had heard a mama speak about her story. It would’ve given my Luca a fighting chance. I won’t stop shining his light. His light was turned off when his life was barely starting.
My Luca taught me so much while he lived in my belly. I found the most deep, strong and incredible love.
Quiet Christmas 🎄
I wish he was here, mi niño hermoso. I keep going back and feeling guilt, because that’s a mama for you.
This year is gonna be so hard, but we are still including our Luca in as much as we possibly can. There’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about him. I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him, especially this time of year.
I want to believe my rainbow is coming. A rainbow baby is a baby who comes after a pregnancy loss or infant loss. My Luca was gonna be my rainbow baby, but he became my sunshine baby. 💚 Always shining down on mama.
I want to believe that my baby Luca has already met the little souls who will become his siblings here on earth. I pray that God grants this body of mine grace to carry more babies.
That is my Christmas wish.
That, although my heart won’t be completely full of joy this Christmas, that I can find my rainbow soon. That is my heart's desire, to bring babies earth side and watch them grow.
I want to see my mom hold my next babies with tears of joy and not tears of sorrow. I want to see my mom care for my babies and love on them the way she’s supposed to, not just through a cemetery.
I want to see my husband hold his next babies and cry of excitement and disbelief of how heavy our newborns are, not cry because that’ll be the first and the last time he’ll get to hold his child.
Our life has not been easy, filled with so much loss and heartache. We pray for better times filled with more celebrations and less darkness.
Holding space for you if you are on a similar path. ✨
It isn’t fair.
Sending gentle Christmas wishes, from our little family to yours 💝
Love,
Hazael, Ana & Baby Luca ✨
❄️🎄🎁✝️
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