It’s Anita’s Life

Sometimes, intrusive thoughts creep in. Sometimes, the fear overwhelms my entire body and I feel stuck, frozen, numb. I know she has sleep cycles, I know her normal, yet, the thought comes up in mind and I start to panic. Every minute that passes feels like an eternity. Every moment she’s asleep, the fear inflates the thought of losing her, too.  It’s crippling. It can happen at home, at work, driving, laying in bed. How can this be my life? How can this be my story? I wish it were different. It’s love. Love is what makes this mama’s heart fear for your life, my sweet little love.  I hope you come before your due date. That way I spend less time imagining you and more time holding you, watching you breathe, moving. Waiting for you, my sweet babygirl 💜 ✨ Originally written August 31, 2023 ✨

It’s a GIRL! Our sweet, sweet rainbow is a baby girl 💝 My sweet Evie ✨ Mama, papa and big brother Luca love you so, so much! She’s already being spoiled and loved on so dang much! You’re worth it all! ✨ Originally written August 31, 2023 ✨

Week 30 - PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) Journey        Fourth Pregnancy. Fourth Baby. Fourth Journey.   This is the longest I've ever been pregnant and it petrifies me.  Feeling the kicks, hiccups, rolls, punches is the best feeling in the world. Baby reminds me they're here and living their best life.  But, trauma also reminds me that it can be taken at any moment in time. Just last year I felt bliss, peace and felt like I was there. Just a couple weeks til I met my first-born son. Then, in the blink of an eye, it was all ripped from my arms.  How can I possibly hope again? Check out my older blog post Wavering Faith for deeper thoughts on finding my hope again. It was posted days before we found out we were expecting Baby E! 💛

Dear baby bump... You are a miracle in your own right. You are so, so loved. You are so, so wanted. You are your own person. You have your own space in our hearts. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault mommy is sad sometimes… It’s not your fault that you are coming after the darkest time in mommy and daddy's life. It’s not your fault we will be overprotective. It’s not your fault. You are prayed upon. You are being waited on. You are so special to so many people. We will love you for YOU. We love you, forever. We can’t wait for you to make your debut  🤍✨ Love, Mommy ✨

  No, Lord! Why? How could you? I hate you!  - You promised me my rainbow. You told me during worship I’d have a son. - How could you take him… I grew up catholic, with all the “ requirements ” done - baptized, first communion, confirmation - I grew up being obedient to God in a way I couldn’t question Him; “ it’s not our place .” My belief system was built on oppression of self. Whatever happens is because God wanted it, period. I didn’t have the “ right ” to question anything that happened in my life. Back in 2007, when my grandpa (mom’s dad) passed away, all I was left with was “ That’s how God wanted it ” and so much heartache. I felt so much anger, hopelessness and sorrow, by myself…because I “ dare not question God .” After all, that’s the way I was taught to deal with loss…suppress my emotions and not dare question Him. Ever since accepting Christ in my heart and becoming a Christian back in 2009, I have found an incredible freedom, freedom from the religious rules I g...