It’s Anita’s Life

  Evie's Birth Story After everything we have been through, the greatest gift the Lord gave me was an "easy" pregnancy. Now, I put quotation marks around easy because, in theory, it was easy.  I was considered high risk due to my son's stillbirth ( Luca's birth story ), so we received extra appointments, extra tests, extra ultrasounds, extra monitoring and all the extras we could receive to bring babygirl earthside. Starting at 32 weeks I began the consecutive appointments, starting with a growth scan that showed me my babygirl's sweet face! I did NSTs (non stress test), BPPs ( biophysical profile ultrasound) and growth scans twice a week and an additional appointment for gestational diabetes and growth conversation with my MFM (maternal fetal medicine - high risk) doctor. As you can imagine, it gave me a sense of control and peace that I was doing the absolute most I could possible do for my girl. My perfect babygirl at 32 weeks 💜 Evie had been measuring a...

 An unavoidable feeling… MOM GUILT. “I haven’t visited his space since the first time we went with Evie…” “I didn’t decorate his space for Christmas…” “Am I doing enough for him?” “Does he feel left out?” “Am I failing him as his mama?” “God, I hope he knows how much I love him…” How can I not feel guilt when I’ve neglected his resting space?  How can I not feel guilt when all my attention has been to surviving this newborn haze?  How can I not feel guilt when I wish I could give my Luca the world and I can’t… Having a second child is so hard, not because I don’t love them equally…but because I have to love them DIFFERENTLY. The differences show up daily.  In how I can hug my sweet babygirl and not my firstborn. In how I can gaze into my Evie’s sweet eyes and not my Luca. In how I can smile at her and see a smile back…oh how I wish I could’ve had that with my Luca. I miss him so much IT HURTS. I wish I could see him walking around, shouting with his cute, high pitch ...

Back to work from Maternity Leave… What a brutal awakening.  How short-lived. How eye-opening.  What intense guilt. If you’ve read my other posts you’d know that all I’ve ever wanted is to be a mama. Watch my babies grow up, hit their milestones and watch them as they conquer a new growth spurt or sleep regression. Roll, crawl, walk for the first time. Going back to work takes that from me. I’m more likely to miss those milestones working full time.  It's so hard to even picture a moment without my blessing, my answered prayer. When I went back to work after I had my Luca, back in 2022, I had an empty room, empty arms and a hole in my heart. I had no reason to go back to work and no reason to be home. But, being home meant I had to deal with the deafening quietness. I wish with all my heart our financial situation could be different and I could stay home with my babygirl. That’s something I hope to achieve some day.  Until then, I’m thankful my mom is able, wanting a...

I’m living my dream ✨ I sniff her hair, let my brain process it… *SHE’S HERE* Hearing her breathe takes me back to rubbing my pregnant bump. How hard I prayed to get here. How much my heart hoped and longed for her. The hours and days and months and years I prayed, hoped, longed, bargained, pleaded... The silent nights, the quiet moments, the empty arms, the empty heart, the missing piece in my life. Turned into - The short days and the long nights… The hard moments and joyous moments… The ins and outs of this early motherhood phase… The tears of frustration and the tears of joy… I’m taking it all in. I’m enjoying every bit of it. No matter how hard I find it. I waited so long for these moments. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I KNOW it’s worth it. ✨ I love being a mama. I love being her mama. I thank God every single day I get to parent here on earth too 🤍✨ She's the sunshine my life needed. Lord knows I needed her. ✨