It’s Anita’s Life

  Evie's Birth Story After everything we have been through, the greatest gift the Lord gave me was an "easy" pregnancy. Now, I put quotation marks around easy because, in theory, it was easy.  I was considered high risk due to my son's stillbirth ( Luca's birth story ), so we received extra appointments, extra tests, extra ultrasounds, extra monitoring and all the extras we could receive to bring babygirl earthside. Starting at 32 weeks I began the consecutive appointments, starting with a growth scan that showed me my babygirl's sweet face! I did NSTs (non stress test), BPPs ( biophysical profile ultrasound) and growth scans twice a week and an additional appointment for gestational diabetes and growth conversation with my MFM (maternal fetal medicine - high risk) doctor. As you can imagine, it gave me a sense of control and peace that I was doing the absolute most I could possible do for my girl. My perfect babygirl at 32 weeks 💜 Evie had been measuring a...

 An unavoidable feeling… MOM GUILT. “I haven’t visited his space since the first time we went with Evie…” “I didn’t decorate his space for Christmas…” “Am I doing enough for him?” “Does he feel left out?” “Am I failing him as his mama?” “God, I hope he knows how much I love him…” How can I not feel guilt when I’ve neglected his resting space?  How can I not feel guilt when all my attention has been to surviving this newborn haze?  How can I not feel guilt when I wish I could give my Luca the world and I can’t… Having a second child is so hard, not because I don’t love them equally…but because I have to love them DIFFERENTLY. The differences show up daily.  In how I can hug my sweet babygirl and not my firstborn. In how I can gaze into my Evie’s sweet eyes and not my Luca. In how I can smile at her and see a smile back…oh how I wish I could’ve had that with my Luca. I miss him so much IT HURTS. I wish I could see him walking around, shouting with his cute, high pitch ...